Lately I wonder…
who am i ?
Really? Who am I right now?
I wonder…
A quarter-century ago: top level admin assistant to a corporate CEO with all the perks and stresses attached. Detail oriented, hyper-organized, over-confident and arrogant. Religious…
A decade ago: a small business owner and full time career woman. Successful. Independent. Self-assured. Spiritually stagnant…
Seven years ago: a retiree; learning to slow down and share life with D all day, every day. Thankful for his good health and our love. Artist and writer online at CCB. Building a stronger personal relationship with the Lord Jesus.
One year ago: deeply engrossed in a (self-proclaimed) “ministry” for the Lord. Totally invested in what we believed was going to be our forever home and family. Independent. Self-assured. Detail oriented, hyper-organized. Over-confident and arrogant. Certain that my talents and abilities were finally going to come together in a place where my purpose would be fulfilled.
Now…not so much.
Retired again…permanently this time.
Unsure.
Searching.
Wondering.
Waiting
What now?
What next?
Being a turbo-charged type-A personality, having a Purpose has always been a BIG deal for me. Two or three years ago, when my purpose was being contented as “artist and writer” at Contentment Cottage, I was happy and fulfilled. After I shifted gears, moved back into the “work force” – dusting off all the old “can do” attitudes – the contentment was turned off and the full speed ahead mode came back full force. When the “job” came to an end—because D said, “that’s it. No more.”—down-shifting into slow and study stripped my gears completely. I’ve been at a stand-still for the past eleven months!
It’s time to get moving again.
There have been several signs and signals toward that end lately, one being a post On giftedness and calling, over at “lifeingraceblog.com” Here’s the quote that stuck with me…
A job is a vocation only if someone else calls you to do it for them rather than for yourself. And so our work can be a calling only if it is re-imagined as a mission of service to something beyond merely our own interests. Thinking of work mainly as a means of self-fulfillment and self-realization slowly crushes a person. _Tim Keller
I hope you’ll go over there and read the entire post. I read it again just now. It still speaks to my soul.
Having a plethora of gifts and talents is great, but they are not something you dreamed up yourself, and they are not even really yours. They are given to you by God so that you can use them to bless others. Yes, you have been gifted, but more importantly, you have been called. And your calling is the means by which God works in the world to strengthen and bless His flock in every imaginable way. _Edie Wadsworth
So…who am I now? In this new season? Guess I’ll just keep praying and we’ll find out together.
Contentment Cottage 
I am so grateful for your article. Much obliged.
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I totally get this post. I feel like I’m currently in a season that calls for some redefining of my purpose and what is it exactly that I’m supposed to be about. I feel like I have been waiting for a while now….in the meantime I am trying my best to take it one day at a time and just be. Emily’s post yesterday about our Fields of Gold was really good too – it spoke of living in the present instead of always planning ahead. That is a hard lesson sometimes. I like the fact that you took an inventory of where you have been and where you are – maybe I need to do that as well. Love reading your posts.
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Thank you so much Teresa. Your encouragement means a lot. The inventory seems to have helped. The last couple of days have been more purposeful–dusted off a couple of old manuscripts, with plans to share them here. Since I’m not required to maintain the “pastor’s wife” mantle now it won’t matter that they are secular fiction. And as I’ve read and formatted the first one, it’s surprising how enjoyable the writing really is. ~ Pray that you will be led to what you’re looking for, too. Hugs, e
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